Rejected Madlibs
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Text of piece:
Young people today are a (adjective) bunch. It seems the whole world is their (oceanic animal)!
Despite the current (scary economic term), money problems don’t have to stand in the way of a college education. One year at a private college can cost as much as $(large number),000, but young people of every background can (way to get money), (way to get money), and take out loans.
After graduation, keeping the loan (oceanic predators) at bay is a snap. An eager person who studied (major, not business or medicine) and can (mind-numbing activity) will easily find work as a (synonym for “secretary”).
At the office, it’s easy to make friends. By the water cooler, coworkers discuss the latest episode of (“Honeymooners” rip-off watched to distract oneself from the fact that she is eating another Lean Cuisine dinner alone). They all hit the bar after work for a round of (alcoholic beverage with sexually suggestive name, but whose consumption ironically leads to depressed sexual performance).
Working a “9-5” leaves plenty of time for exploring a new interest. Young people take up running and even compete in (racing distance, leads to knee replacement by 40, and the dawning realization that your body, not that great to begin with, has begun the slow descent into infirmity). They eat fresh (bitter vegetable that supposedly fights cancer, but which tastes so bad it makes cancer sound delicious) from the Farmer’s Market in (neighborhood you can’t afford to live in but eat brunch in every week to feel important).
In no time, there are new opportunities for advancement at work. Head up a new (whatever), get promoted to (meaningless title that won’t add a day to your life or an ounce of sincerity to the hookups with random strangers you meet online and bring home to your depressing, sour beer-scented apartment, but which at least keeps you too busy to think about the college friends you haven’t seen in years, who probably wouldn’t even return your calls, not that that stops you from reading the Instagram updates, especially your ex’s, who’s published now, of course, and always inviting you to wine and cheese book releases, so you have to say, “Sorry I’m working late again. No, can’t meet for lunch because I work through it. Yes, every day. And why yes I do write novelty books. And sure, technically there are hundreds of children out there right now finishing my stories for me. What a funny observation. But at least I’m still writing. At least there’s one thing in this whole rotting pile of shit that is my life that I can point to and say I’ve achieved. At least I’m following my fucking dream.”).
What a great time to be young!
Kayleigh Shoen‘s stories have appeared in X-R-A-Y, Milk Candy Review, Crack the Spine, and elsewhere. She holds an MFA from Emerson College and can be found online at KayleighShoen.com or on twitter @whowantssoup.
